As I read the article I started remembering all the horrific things that he did to me as a child and the things that I witnessed. His behavior wasn’t normal. It seemed that he had no conscience.
I was only seven-years-old when my brother let his friend molest me, and then, he asked his friend how it felt? He started sexually abusing me at the age of seven. It was never consensual. He hurt me! He crossed the boundaries. You don’t do that to your little sister. Big brothers are supposed to be protective of their little sisters. He said, I asked for it. I would dress up in my older sister’s old prom dresses and put them on over my clothes. And I would sit on top of an old chair in the garage with the boy next door, and we would pretend that we were royalty. I was the queen and he was the king. There was never anything sexual about it. It was all in play. That boy and I attend the same church today. My brother seemed to get jealous when he would see me interacting or playing with other kids and especially boys. He would immediately hit me with insults and name-calling. And they would get scared of him and go home. And he always tried to make something sexual out of it. And try to shame me by calling me names. I remembered that day he called me a whore and a slut. I was, like what’s that? I never heard those names before. But the way he said it, I knew it was bad. I didn’t even know what sex was. I was just a little girl that wanted to be a queen for a day. But he didn’t seem to like it when he saw me playing with other kids. He wanted me for himself and to isolate me from other children. Where I would always be around to be his toy that he could pull and knock around. I was like a human toy in a mad child’s hands.
These were the characteristics of my brother.
1. My brother was very violent towards me. He destroyed my toys. If I got anything for Christmas or a holiday, he made sure that it only lasted a few hours before, he took it away from me. He would take my only doll that I got for Christmas and run over it with his bike until it was destroyed. He got a joy from destroying my things. I could never keep a toy.
2 He was a bully. We were playing across the street on their swing set and my brother threw a rake at the end of the slide as the neighbor girl was coming down the slide. I still hear about that today. She had to have almost fifty stitches in her foot and it broke four of her toes. She was lucky the rake didn’t go through her leg and hit an artery.
3. More bullying: He also roped a neighbor boy around his neck as he was riding his bike and pulled him off as he was pedaling down the street. I still hear about that story today.
4. My brother was a bully at school, he was always getting into fights.
5. My brother was always jealous of the relationship that I had with my dad. I was daddy’s little girl when he was home, and he resented the attention that I received.
6 My brother was jealous of all of my relationships. He didn’t want anyone to like me. He always tried to come between my relationships.
7 He started taking me out to the busiest and fastest street around our neighborhood when I was only four-years-old and take me across that street and leave me. I had to figure out by myself how to get home and cross the busy street by myself. Once there was a man, a stranger that almost hit me as I was crossing the street. He stopped and turned around and he personally took me home and had me point out the house where I lived. That man could’ve just taken off with me. He told my mother that he almost killed me. And that she should keep a better eye on me. I don’t even think my mom told my dad what my brother did and what happened that day. Another time, he took me to a frozen creek and left me there standing on the frozen ice. Luckily, my dad found me. At seven-years-old, he would lead me to the 7-11 and have me go inside and get him a pornographic magazine, and if I didn't he threatened to beat me up. He would be waiting sitting on his bike by the side of the building. I would tell the guy in the store that it was for my dad sitting in the truck that he sent me in to get it. As soon as I walked out with it, he would take off on his bike and make me walk home by myself crossing the busy street by myself. I remember one time I had just gotten the cast off my leg and it was weak. I fell to the ground crying and he just left me as he rode his bike home to open his new poronographic magazine. I fell in the busy street skinning my knee, I was lucky that I wasn't hit by a car again. And I fell three more times on my way home. My leg was so weak that I couldn't hardly pull myself up or get the strength to stand back up.
8. I was even told by a neighbor girl when I was 19 years-old she apologized to me. She took me out to dinner and explained it all to me. She said she didn’t know why she ever agreed to being a part of me being hit by a car when I was six-years-old. But, I knew why she had a crush on my brother. She went on and told me that my brother knew that the woman that lived next door went to the liquor store every morning at 10:00 A.M. She was an alcoholic and it was her daily routine. My brother had planned with the other kids in the neighborhood to get me out in the street at that time and make it where I couldn’t get out of the street. The twelve of them had figured if they had six on each side of the street that I would be trapped. And when the neighbor came back with her liquor I would be trapped. She would hit me and I would be gone. His problem would be solved. He would no longer have a little sister. I was left with a borken femur and told, I may never walk. I had internal bleeding. I missed the first 6 months of first grade.
9. My brother started endangering me first and then it escalated to physical abuse and then it escalated to sibling sexual abuse. I'm not sure how many of his friends he exploited me to. I think after I was hit by a car that he figured that I was good for one thing, because I was born with the equipment.
10. My brother used sibling sexual abuse to prove his dominance over me. There was no doubt that it was about power and dominance. He had always been stronger and heavier than me. I had no chance against his force. He would go through the house karate kicking the walls and ceilings.
11. My brother used sibling sexual abuse to destroy the relationships that I had with my parents. He put doubt, false accusations and confusion into their feeble minds. My parents were also scared of him. When I told them what he had done, my mother said they should’ve sent him away. She told me that they were scared of him too, if he didn’t get his way, she was afraid of what he was capable of doing.
12. My brother tried to put all the blame on me. He was five years older than me. I never consented to what he was doing or when he would exploit me. I never willingly went along with any of it. I saw it as vile and evil. I thought he was disgusting. I would try to spend as many nights away from home as possible to stay away from him. I would stay at my best friend’s home, so I wouldn’t be victimized again, over and over, again. He always snuck into my room while I was asleep. I never performed sexual acts on him. It was never a tradeoff.
13. My brother showed no conscience. He would put rubber bands around stray dogs’ necks to see how many days it would take for them to die. I would rescue them by cutting the rubber bands off of their necks. Sometimes by the time I got to them, you could already see the rubber band cutting through to their raw red exposed necks. Or he would put a gallon glass jar over their heads and try to suffocate stray dogs. He wasn’t nice to animals at all!
14.He was also into pornography. He became addicted to pornography by the time he was twelve-years-old.
15 My brother was always physically and mentally abusive towards me. I don’t know how many times when I was a child that I had black-eyes or bruises. I had to wear a sling once for two weeks because he hit me so hard in the arm. He would wrestle me to the ground sometimes after he got home from school and take his dirty socks off and stuff them in my mouth. He was always using his strength over me. He would hit me so hard in the stomach where all my muscles in my stomach knotted up. I couldn’t even raise myself from my bed. He would use any method he could think of to abuse me.
16 It was also suspected that he may have used drugs on me unknowingly because I started having heart palpitations and had to wear a heart monitor. After I got away from him I never needed the heart monitor again. My brother was always the one with all kinds of illegal drugs. That was how he made a living when he was temporarily laid off from work. He sold and dealt illegal drugs. I heard he was into cocaine, ecstasy, it fit right along with his addiction to pornography.
Deuteronomy 21:18 If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, 19 then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, 20 and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ 21 Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Romans 8:7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
I know like me there are hurting people in the world that are trying to figure out their brokenness. For several years, I thought my life was cursed. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. I realize now that the devil wanted to take me out at a very young age. He used whomever he could as his tools to destroy me. But, praise God, God saw more in me. He wasn’t finished with me yet. Some people tell me that all of these horrible things that happened to me was because God had such a strong calling on my life from the beginning. I was a chosen child and like Jesus, I would suffer to fulfill my purpose. I heard everything imaginable. If I was chosen to point out the suffering of innocent children then, I will be their silent voices screaming out to the world. Look, what the world did to me! The world broke me. And when I thought it was finished with me, it ran over me again and again. But like a cat with nine lives, I stood back up. It was the grace of God that saw through my heart. It was that same grace that covered my shame with a clean veil.
John 10:10 The thief does not come except to steal kill and destroy.
God didn’t do any of this to me. It was the devil that tried to destroy me. The devil had several chances to take me out, but God didn’t let it happen.
He rescued me.
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
God knew what I went through on earth. He has it all recorded in his books. He knows every teardrop by name. I often think as much as I cried. I could’ve filled a lake. And when I get to heaven God will show me. There might be a lake in heaven with my name on it collected from all my teardrops. And I'll call that lake Grace.
I tell people not to ever judge anyone else, you don't know what that person went through. You never walked in their footsteps, or walked where they walked. It took me years to finally get this out in the open. I would try before but only fragments came out of my fragmented life. I pray that my story will help others to understand what sibling sexual abuse is and the dynamics of it! Please share my story! This is my season to be heard and be the voice for the millions out there that are scared mute, scared silent!
When Jesus was nailed to the cross he took all of our sin. It's up to us to recieve it or to deny it. We are all given free will.
He was a momma’s boy.
And he treated me as his toy.
To him I was just a ragdoll.
That could take a good beating.
Sometimes his beatings came so hard that I could hardly crawl.
He liked to hit me right in the center of the stomach.
It always left me feeling horrible.
Like I was going to throw-up,
I was his ragdoll that wouldn’t give-up.
I had problems with my stomach muscles.
And there were times that I couldn’t even raise myself up.
But this was the life of a ragdoll toy.
Sometimes he would pull my hair.
So hard that he would leave it on the floor,
It didn’t seem like momma really cared.
Then he would kick me.
Or spit on me.
Momma would just shake her redhead.
There were times I thought he was going to knock off my head.
I wasn’t sure how long a ragdoll toy could last.
Because he could move so fast,
I was just a little ragdoll in his crazy hands.
That never understood his plans.
On how he was going to destroy this ragdoll toy,
He said he was going to take me to the lake.
And tie my hands and feet to cement blocks.
And I would sink like heavy rocks.
And mom and dad would never see my golden locks.
I figured he would.
Because he would do anything he could.
To his little ragdoll toy,
That prayed God would free her from a crazy boy.
Being a bad momma’s boy!
I learned early on I was just a broken toy.
There once was a six year-old little girl that grew-up with a bully.
She didn't think it was funny.
Being the one that was bullied,
But, her bully was part of the family.
He quickly became her enemy.
She was five-years younger than him.
He was tall and slim.
He could throw a punch that would land her on the floor.
There were many times she wanted to run out the front door.
And keep running.
He was so sneaky and cunning.
When, she would fall asleep at night she dreamed she was a butterfly.
She dreamed she could fly!
Dreaming that no one could catch her,
Then one day he got with his friends planning her soon destruction.
He gave the others complete instruction.
They got her out of the house to play a game.
Not knowing she was part of the bully game.
She was forced out in the street.
She stood out there with her bare feet.
Trying to get out of the street, they pushed her from one side to the other.
Not letting her through.
Both sides of the street blocked.
On her block!
As a car came flying through, with a drunk driver behind the wheel.
Her life was in danger.
And it wasn't by a stranger.
They said, she skidded fifteen feet on the concrete.
It was all because of the plans of her older brother.
She didn't die.
This is no lie.
See, God had plans for her life.
In which she would become a wife and mother.
It's been many days since then.
But, when I think about then,
I wonder how twelve kids including my brother, could plan to do that to another?
Every child has a story yet to be told. Will she have a secret story that quietly unfolds? Will her words be scornfully told? Some girls silently lose their voice. It’s not by choice. They’ve been controlled. By their secret abuser, That’s a real bruiser. These girls are too afraid to draw closer. Because the only emotion they know is fear. Nothing in life seems clear. In their minds they suffer alone. In their hearts they’re all alone. Knowing in life that they’ll soon be gone, Left a dried bone, And no one ever had the chance to hear her true story.
Old Poem: Broken Spirit
Broken Spirit Have you ever seen a broken girl’s spirit? She doesn’t feel like she fits in with the other children. Her heart’s been broken. She’s has a low self-image. She feels like wherever she goes. She feels all the foes. All eyes are upon her. Seeing all of her woes! Just waiting for her to do something wrong. Because she’s in a world in which she doesn’t belong. She has this secret desire to feel longing. But she’s too young to pack up her belongings. She doesn’t even own a suitcase. She goes to school yawning. Because she’s too afraid to close her eyes at night, Because it may happen again like last night. She’s too scared to speak from the fright. She just closes her eyes. Trying to act like she’s a sleep she stays wise. In her dreams she feels safe. Not unsafe. She gave up on happiness that only happens in fairytales. She once felt like she was a beautiful princess. But, her life was drained. Feeling all the strain, She can’t see pass the pain. Always taking a long walk in the rain, Her life has skipped by her. She remembers days of singing in the rain. Playing hopscotch on the hot summer pavement, She doesn’t think she will ever live to hear the word of engagement. She silently cries with the rain.
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You can also get my original elephant on canvas to be the eyes and ears on your child's wall that reminds you to always keep your eyes and ears open to end sibling sexual abuse. The surfboard is a reminder that every child deserves and needs safe space to grow.