When we are forced or controlled by someone older than us or stronger than us we feel helpless and hopeless. I know as a child I felt like all of my dreams all of my hopes had been crushed. I no longer had purpose. I no longer had drive. I really wanted to die. Everything in me felt dead. Everything inside of me went dormant. I was broken. I couldn’t feel anything but fear and pain and I felt so ashamed and all alone. I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening in our home. Suddenly, I became a stranger in my home and unwanted guest. I felt like I had nowhere to go! Even the woman that gave birth to me became a stranger. She became someone that I didn’t know and that I no longer trusted. I ran to her several times trying to tell her I needed help without going into the details. But she wasn’t there for me. My dad was always at work and I shook in fear from the constant bullying and sexual predator in my own home. I couldn’t even take a shower without my brother and his buddies standing outside the bathroom window trying to get a glimpse. I know things could’ve escalated farther if it hadn’t been God looking after me. There were so many times that I wasn’t sure if I was going to be raped by my drunk brother and his friends as they snuck into my bedroom while I was asleep. I know I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes half-dressed or totally undressed. I became a slave to teenage boys eyes and hands. God never intended for me to feel ashamed. He never intended on me feeling alone. He paid a price for me. But heaven seemed so far away to me at the time. I didn’t understand how God could allow me to go through such horrible things. I wondered where he was. I became angry that I was in that family. The only person that really mattered in my life was my dad, but he was never home. I would fight sleep. I would lay in bed for days without any sleep too afraid to close my eyes because I knew if I did I would lose control of what could happen to me next. My God! My God, where are you! Why don’t you land in my room and save me? Why do bad things happen to good people? Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong as a child to deserve this? Did I cry or whine too much. What was it that turned God away from me? I cried. My stomach muscles began to knot up where I couldn’t even lift myself from the bed because he constantly hit me in the stomach. The doctor said because of being hit by the car when I was six-years-old it took me two days to digest my food. My dad gave my brother strict orders to quit hitting me in the stomach. My life had become a challenge. At six-years-old I had to learn how to walk all over again. This was the beginning of the scars that he would leave with me. I felt like my life was cursed. I couldn’t remember a happy day in my life.
My dreams of being a world traveler and archaeologist had been crushed. My enemy was at the heels of my feet every day. The next day being worse than the present day.
I know there’s someone out there in pain. Someone’s hurting. You don’t understand why these things are happening to you. You feel ashamed and all alone. But God’s whispering to you. I bought you for a price. Now’s the time to accept him as your Savior.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.