I realized as I was healing from all the trauma that I had been through in my life that pictures and art helped to erase those memories. Though, they are never really erased but filed away in my brain to be revealed one day. As a trauma victim I would draw huge pictures on my walls so everytime I walked past that elephant on my wall I would smile. And too, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. I spent many years living alone trying to reexamine my life and trying to figure out what it was about me that attracted evil people. I went through special classes at the YWCA on domestic abuse and violence. I even became a rape advocate for rape victims where I would meet them at the hospital to get through the examination. I went through counseling myself to see what it was about me that attracted abusive people. And it all came out about the abuse and neglect that I went through as a child. I had suppressed those memories for years trying to forgive and forget, but I couldn’t the trauma wouldn’t let me. It was sunk in too deep, the pain was seeping out like a teapot going off. It was explained to me that each time trauma happens a child suppresses it and it builds up eventually burying the real trauma, the cause and effect. It reminded me each day. I would try to write and only bits and pieces would come out. I compare it to a stroke victim that’s trying to talk and knows how to but they can’t get the words out, and they get depressed and cry. I couldn’t even write a complete sentence. I struggled. The trauma blocked me. I was back to that frail little girl with the broken leg that had just gotten the cast off her leg. And every time she tried to stand back up, she would collapse from weakness and brokenness or from purposely being pushed over. I fought to get it all out. I had to stand back up on my two feet even though I didn’t know what the consequences were once I got back up. It was only with the help of God and the renewing of that broken childhood spirit that pushed me to stand back up.
God has now replaced all those trauma pictures with beautiful pictures. I told my husband what happened to me as a child. He went along with God’s plan to create new and beautiful memories for me. He took me places that I only dreamed. I can now close my eyes and be reminded of the beautiful memories. Those beautiful memories take precedence over the bad. He took me to the Virgin Islands. He took me to Israel. He took me to Costa Rica. He took me to the Bahamas. And then, by myself I traveled over 6,000 miles to Ghana. God had renewed my spirit.. I was now ready to preach and share my story. It’s my Cinderella story.
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